Wishful Thinking?

This blog has afforded me a revelation. J commented that I use it for processing, and that comment made me realize two important truths:
1) that if this blog serves any purpose it is to help me process my thoughts, and
2) J is insightful and "gets me" in a way that moves me and gives me hope.
Meeting someone new gives me the chance to have a clean slate about my (somewhat complex) past - but I rarely take advantage of the opportunity. I hate much of what I have been through; it shames me and angers me and is generally not socially acceptable. BUT it is my past and my life and I really want someone to say, "sure, that sucked, but it makes you more interesting and more empathetic and openminded and worldly and I not only like you DESPITE your bad choices and consequences thereof, but BECAUSE of them."
Actually I need to hear that from myself. So I'll say it here.
Yes, I have done and said and felt things that sometimes make me want to rewind the tape of my life and replace it with a Coke commercial, but I have an inexhaustible capacity for giving and receiving love. Heartbreak feels like the end of my world, but instead it allows me another chance at love.
Who knows? Maybe the next time it won't feel like another test of how much I can compromise or sublimate. Maybe I won't feel like I need to apologize for who I am and who I was.
Maybe the next time love comes, if it comes, it will be, for once and for all, requited.
And then I will just have to deal with all of the other issues that come up when two people interact.
That's a whole other post.

I struggle with writing about my feelings and thoughts. When I read my posts, they sound juvenile and melodramatic. Just call me a melodrama mama ;-)

So there.

Does Your Mother Know?

Still tired - just can't seem to get a full night's sleep... (I am not complaining).
"Does your mother know that you're out?"

Another Day Lyrics

Every Day She Takes A Morning Bath To Wet Her Hair,
Wraps A Towel 'round Her
As She's Heading For The Bedroom Chair,
It's Just Another Day.
Slipping Into Stockings,
Stepping Into Shoes,
Dipping In The Pocket Of Her Raincoat.
It's Just Another Day.

At The Office Where The Papers Grow She Takes A Break,
Drinks Another Coffee
And She Finds It Hard To Stay Awake,

It's Just Another Day. Du Du Du Du Du
It's Just Another Day. Du Du Du Du Du
It's Just Another Day.

So Sad, So Sad,
Sometimes She Feels So Sad.
Alone In Her Apartment She'd Dwell,
Till The Man Of Her Dreams Comes To Break The Spell.

Ah, Stay, Don't Stand Her Up
And He Comes And He Stays
But He Leaves The Next Day,
So Sad.
Sometimes She Feels So Sad.

As She Posts Another Letter To The Sound Of Five,
People Gather 'Round Her
And She Finds It Hard To Stay Alive,

It's Just Another Day. Du Du Du Du Du
It's Just Another Day. Du Du Du Du Du
It's Just Another Day.

So Sad, So Sad,
Sometimes She Feels So Sad.
Alone In Her Apartment She'd Dwell,
Till The Man Of Her Dreams Comes To Break The Spell.

Ah, Stay, Don't Stand Her Up
And He Comes And He Stays
But He Leaves The Next Day,
So Sad.
Sometimes She Feels So Sad.

Every Day She Takes A Morning Bath To Wet Her Hair,
Wraps A Towel 'round Her
As She's Heading For The Bedroom Chair,
It's Just Another Day.
Slipping Into Stockings,
Stepping Into Shoes,
Dipping In The Pocket Of Her Raincoat.

Ah, It's Just Another Day. Du Du Du Du Du
It's Just Another Day. Du Du Du Du Du
It's Just Another Day.

Lyrics & Music by Paul McCartney

Another Day

Thursday morning, cold and grey. Nothing new to report. Well, there's that whole relationship thing going on. Doing a lot of thinking about what mistakes I may have made in the last one. Actually, I still don't know why that one ended. No matter, moving forward (took long enough).
Small town means many friends overlap. I heard second-hand something about the old relationship that I wasn't aware of and don't understand and it has me thinking about it, which is a bit uncomfortable. Okay, here is the deal: I believed something that either turned out not to be true or not to matter. Now I'm afraid to trust myself, or someone else. I needed lots of reassurance before, you may be able to imagine how much I need now. And I don't want to drive anyone away because of that neediness. I mean, I can balance it with lots of affection and humour and caring, but I need to work through my fear and learn to relax and accept. Fortunately, it doesn't look like there's a problem so far.
Maybe I'm a bit sensitive because I'm not getting enough sleep. I'm not complaining! That's actually one of the pluses of a new relationship - the high carries me through the lack of sleep. But thank goodness it is a short work week.
Have a Bon Jeudi!

Let's Fall to Pieces Together Lyrics

Pardon me, you left your tears on the jukebox,
And I'm afraid they got mixed up with mine.
I don't mean to pry,
It's just that I noticed you going out of your mind.
Looks like we're two of a kind.

[Chorus:]
Let's fall to pieces together.
Why should we both fall apart?
Let's fall to pieces together
Right here in each other's arms.

Alone is much better together,
And the worst is still yet to come.
So let's share the rest of the tears
That are left from two hearts that just came undone.
Why should we go crazy alone?

[Chorus]

Let's fall to pieces together
Right here in each other's arms.

Written by Dickey Lee
Performed by George Strait

Let's Fall to Pieces Together

Changing from using exclusively Beatles' songs for post titles. I've decided to broaden the titles to include any appropriate song. This one was played for me yesterday by the photographer whose work appears here today.

Sorry about the backtracking/deletion of blog posts. Wasn't required but thought better of sharing some of that info. If it's already been read - so be it. All comments have been deleted, but thanks to those of you who did comment.

Here is the slightly edited version of all deleted entries:

05/27/08 Yesterday turned out very well, despite my complaints about the weather. I rode "shotgun" on errand runs to various places throughout two counties. Also tried a beer sampler at a local brewery I hadn't been to before. (No to the IPAs - I liked the lager).
I admit I am wary. In the beginning of a relationship it's easy to be swept away. We were both "smarting" from prior hurts, and there is nothing like a new relationship to ease the pain of the old one. We know where we're both coming from. So for now I'm taking a deep breath and making that "leap of faith". Still getting to know each other, and what a pleasure that is.

05/26/08 I was fooled. It was the gloriously sunny weather that cheered me, energized me, motivated me. It is now RAINING and I don't want to get out of from under the covers. Phhhht! Wonder what the doctors will prescribe for that? Moving to Arizona? I hate hot weather. I want sun, but not every day. Well, every day for the next two weeks would help. I left the hammock out. I didn't think it was going to rain! Yes, I know, the forecast was for rain, but that's what they said for yesterday and it was hot and sunny! I even got a sunburn! How can it be raining today?! It isn't that I dislike rain. On the contrary, I love this weather - warm, wet, mild. It's just that after nine months I could use some FRICKING SUNSHINE!!

Damn rain.

05/25/08 Yesterday I completed the third run of mowing my lawn. The first time through I used the weed whacker to take off the top six to twelve inches. The second pass was with the mower at the highest setting. Yesterday was at the mid-level setting. I don't use a mulch bag - even though the lawn is finally trimmed, it doesn't look all that neat. But I can look across it and enjoy the feeling of accomplishment.

It is not just about the lawn. What mowing meant is that I had the energy to do it. And the motivation. I am feeling better. The lethargy has diminished. I am happier. I feel optimistic. Wary, but optimistic.

I have kept in mind the lesson I learned on this most recent birthday, that I have the opportunity for a whole life ahead of me, a full life, not one of ruminating over the past and what and who and why. I can move forward and experience life and cherish moments and feel optimistic. I have a future, or maybe I should say I have a now. And although my now is the culmination of my then, I am not bound by my past. I can use my experiences to inform my now but I am not bound by all the pain and shame of it.

This means that I can live the rest of my life, not just endure it.

Wow. Is this just a bunch of crap? This is what happens when one has a naturally melodramatic flair.

I was dreaming about family members who were problems. Alcoholics, crazy, whatever. And the rest of us were dealing with these problem people. Now these were dreams and the solutions were not ones that would suit reality but my point is, if each character in a dream represents the dreamer, then I am dealing with the 'problem' aspects of my self. Powerful symbolism here.

I have some fears now that I didn't have when I was younger. Mainly because then I lived in one of the most liberal places and then I had more of the rebel in me. I have some concern that some parent of one of my teenager's friends will feel threatened or hostile and the teenager may suffer for it. I'm counting on generous hearts and her own strength to deal with what may come up. Of course I'm here for her but part of it is her discovering how she works life out. I am being upfront with her and right now she is happy about what is going on. Maybe partly because she saw how unhappy I was.

I'm writing all this in vague terms. My impulse is to be myself and other than a little more filtering than is typical of me, I plan to stick with being myself.

Hope all is well with you. Take the past like dirt at an archaeological dig. Put it in the shaker screen and sift out what you don't want. Keep the gems, the precious bits and the pieces that are clues you can use. Sort and sift and select. Today I choose honesty, openmindedness, and wilingness. What will you choose?

05/24/08 This is not an April Fool's post ;-)

Since it's a small town and word gets out, thought I'd mention that I'm dating someone.
Lucky me :-)

All Things Must Pass

When a grande cup of joe won't do, you need an ENORME!

Words of Love

I love paris in the spring time
I love paris in the fall
I love paris in the summer when it sizzles
I love paris in the winter when it drizzles

I love paris every moment
Every moment of the year
I love paris, why oh why do I love paris
Because my love is there


[Thanks to REMIT for the most fabulous photo de la Tour Eiffel]

Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite

Mecca - the original Starbucks at Pike Place Market.

Ivey shares a birthday with Audrey Hepburn - see a resemblance?


This morning was spent at the newly built / renovated hospital in town. Highlights included the lovely view above the ultrasound table - a lit ceiling panel with a picture of a blue sky and cherry tree branches. For the exams, the hospital provides the usual gown but also terry cloth robes so coupled with the warmer ambient temperature the chilly walks down the hallway are history. The staff were great - all were friendly and conscientious. Since the rooms are all new, they were also clean. Not a bad experience for a hospital visit. I did have to drink barium (for a barium swallow: A barium swallow is a test that may be used to determine the cause of painful swallowing, difficulty with swallowing (my issue), abdominal pain (nope), bloodstained vomit (thank goodness, no), or unexplained weight loss (dang - not me either). Barium sulfate is a metallic compound that shows up on x-ray and is used to help see abnormalities in the esophagus and stomach. When taking the test, one drinks a preparation containing this solution. The x-rays track its path through the digestive system. The process didn't last all that long and I really got a kick out of the techno-equipment, but one side effect is constipation. The twist is that one does not want barium hanging out in one for too long, so evacuation is crucial. Lots of liquids recommended to clean it out. My beverage of choice - coffee.
So far it looks as if I am fine. A few minor glitches - related to weight gain, surprise, surprise - but nothing contagious. Additional work ups to see if the weight gain itself is a symptom.
I did a bit of people watching, both in Seattle and at the hospital. Thoughts about my folks, about aging, about bodies... The following was from this morning - early.
2:47 AM (9 hours ago)
It's the middle of the night. I was dreaming about my parents and my mother was drunk. She fell and I woke up. In the dream was planted the idea that I have not done much with my life. I would like to be finished, looking back at what an interesting, fulfilling life it has been, but instead I think it has been insignificant. This is aside from having and raising a lovely child. This is partly about being so fat, feeling so lethargic, not having done anything and not looking like anything will be getting done.
It is the middle of the night. I had a bad dream.
Time to think good thoughts and go back to sleep.
-----------
I'll swish that around in my brain a while and get back to you. Hope all is well with you.

I'll Follow the Sun

Zip knows how to take advantage of the sunshine.
We managed to sneak in one more sunny day yesterday, but today is back to grey, rain, cold. Fortunately, I got myself outside yesterday and worked on the yard. The grass, dandelions and horsetails were so high in the backyard that all I did was weed-whack it all down a foot. I did mow the front lawn, so we look presentable from the street.
I had a lovely Mother's Day. Not only was I cheered up by the brilliant sunny day, but my dear daughter spent the entire day treating me like a queen. She is the best mother's day gift of all. We took some time for her first driver's lesson with a manual transmission. Much laughing and near-whiplash just driving around the parking lot.
Finally made a doctor's appointment this week. Either we will determine what's wrong with me or we won't.
The weather makes me want to crawl under my new quilts and call it a day, but that will have to wait until tonight. Hope all is well where you are.

The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bill

More pictures from our San Francisco weekend. Small town girls looking like cosmopolitan young women.A Catholic Church in the heart of Chinatown. Most of our walking took place along the Barbary Coast Trail.
In current local news - spring is flaky here in the Pacific Northwest, teasing us with sunny days tucked amid the overdone grey. But the daylight hours are lasting longer, with hints of light still at 9 PM. The three of us who took the California trip are settled back into our routines here at home - with an extra break here and there to recover from the fun (lots and lots of walking while we were there). I have resumed my burgeoning social networking activities and returned to work, somewhat renewed. I am looking forward to warmer days and more time off, but with all the bad economic news I'm happy to have a warm place to be and a good job.
Hope all is well where ever in the world you are.

Sun King

Act Naturally

Another birthday weekend in San Francisco - this time for the teenager. Here are the gals in Union Square after a Hard Day's shopping in most fabulous weather. We've joined the men folk in Walnut Creek and have ordered Chinese take-out. All's well tonight.

Think for Yourself

I now have two monitors, keyboards, mice to go with my two computers at work. Sometimes I use the wrong keyboard, but otherwise it's helpful for all the simultaneous tasks I do (running reports, viewing accounts, entering data, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera).
The teenager, her dear friend, and I head to California tomorrow. The weather is 10-30 degrees warmer there and believe me, we don't mind.
It is always a challenge for me to pack for weather that is completely different than where I am. Tempted to put a sweater in the suitcase... But I've done enough (more than enough) packing and travelling over the past few years to know better. Bring a jacket, in case the weather turns and for cooler evenings. I enjoy packing, especially since I have a good selection of baggage (small, medium, large). One bag and my uke and I'm good to go.
Speaking of ukes and travelling, R is heading for England and France for a month and, of course, is packing a uke. He has taken a uke with him to all parts of the world - China, Australia, Texas. His interest in ukuleles crosses the line into obsession, but since I benefit from it (someone to play with and learn from) I won't criticize him for it. I, too, am fond of my (only) uke and wouldn't consider leaving it behind on a trip to my folks'. Maybe if I was going to Europe... Although I believe R mentioned that there will be a uke festival while he's there. It's a fever that has spread worldwide.
In other news, there is none. Oh yeah, still sick. And I've scanned a bunch of my old poetry and tossed the original papers.
I wonder if I could think for myself I wouldn't need two computers.