2007 - So Long!

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Good Riddance, 2007.
Here's wishing you a healthy, prosperous, happy, interesting, love-filled year in 2008.
Resolutions I'm likely to keep:
Play ukulele
Have coffee with friends
Surf the Internet
Write blog entries

Ciao, TTFN, adios, sayonara, arrivederci, shalom, adieu, see ya, et cetera -

Arrrrgh! Oh, and Happy New Year

My Internet is down so this is a very quick post.
Happy New Year!

Eating Disorder (circa 1997)

Wait!
(or how I know the troll under the bridge was not a compulsive eater)


I eat with a vengeance
angry, powerful
stuffing my mouth until my stomach hurts or
guilt stops me
Each piece of food I put in my mouth
heavy with the weight of guilt
I will be punished
I will carry it around
on my hips, thighs, stomach,
breasts (and somehow that part is supposed to be okay)
guilty of taking up space
Food calls me
fills my thoughts
I cannot not think of it
lying in wait for me
If I keep my mouth full
greedy mouth
I do not speak
will not say something stupid
might not be thought foolish
or, worse, ignored
I starve myself so I will be loved
then stuff myself when love doesn't come
(does it ever come?)
wasting food by putting it in my mouth
worthless mouth
Am I really hungry?
How would I know?
If I can't trust myself, my feelings,
If I am always wrong
how could I believe my stomach
calling to me
twisting in pain
too empty or
too full?
keep eating even when it hurts
afraid of being empty
afraid of what I would do what I would think what I would feel
if I wasn't always worried about food
afraid of failing
if I don't start
don't finish
I cannot fail
I will have control
it will not be less than perfect because
it will not exist
I will not exist
And do you understand that this is all pain?
Not a joke
not a fad
not a diet
not a phase
it is my life
it is my pain
my life is pain
my pain is my life
and would I die if I let it go
if it left me?
So I hang on to it
Afraid!
Terrified!
Lonely!
alone
solo
so low

"Unrest of spirit is a mark of life."
Karl Menninger

Near miss...

Once again I composed a blog that was "not-ready-for prime-time". Instead you'll get this one.
Fooled around with the formatting. I like change.
I was not feeling so hot a little while ago. In a wallowing, teary kind of way. Now I'm going to tear myself away from this computer and get something productive done.

Cherry Mistress!

Slept in, worked on de-cluttering, played uke - perfect day.


"Are you ready to cut off your head and place your foot on it? If so, come; Love awaits you! Love is not grown in a garden, nor sold in the marketplace; whether you are a king or a servant, the price is your head, and nothing less. Yes, the cost of the elixir of love is your head! Do you hesitate? 0 miser, It is cheap at that price!"

Sisters, sisters, there were never such devoted sisters...

Sweet sisters, Amanda and Molly, my nice nieces.
Very good day.
Woke up at the folks' place, bright and early, and spent the next eight hours or so de-cluttering, rearranging and recycling. For those who know me, you know this is just about one of my favourite pastimes...
My brother-in-law of 32 years made both a delicious lunch and dinner. I accompanied Sari and Molly on a shoe shopping trip and my dear and generous sis chipped in for a new pair of Dansko clogs for my tired feet (eight hours of de-cluttering is hard work!). Merry Christmas to me!
Tonight I'm at the Walnut Creek house watching "Moonstruck" on television(one of my all time faves) and hanging with S & P. Later I'll head to the folks' place in Berkeley to conk out, and wake up in the almost 100 year old house I spent the years of my youth in.

Life is good.


"...I love you. Not like they
told you love is and I didn't know
this either. But love don't make
things nice, it ruins everything, it
breaks your heart, it makes things a
mess. We're not here to make things
perfect. Snowflakes are perfect. The
stars are perfect. Not us. We are
here to ruin ourselves and break our
hearts and love the wrong people and
die! The storybooks are bullsh*t."

Nicolas Cage as Ronny Cammareri
Moonstruck"
(Mimi's aria plays in the background)

Tired but happy...

Or is that happy but tired?
Played around with ukes for three hours this evening. Even got a demo of a five string banjo with a looooong neck. My strummers are a little sore. Now I have to kick myself into gear and get packed for the weekend trip to California. Fortunatly since it's only for two days I don't need much.
We celebrated Xmas last night with our Anacortes family. Much fun, pizza, many Starbucks gift cards and a tour of some Xmas displays throughout town. Fred (the van) held six with room for another!
My "little one" is at her dad's for the school break.
In order to fill the apparent emptiness in me I Have substituted food for drink, drugs, cigs, sex.... I must have been mighty empty because I have eaten sooooooo much. I am topped out again, weight wise. Right now it feels better than missing what I haven't got.
Hey, look, if you want to leave a comment - we all like to get comments - let me know who you are. Anonymous comments annoy me. If you need an alias for the eyes of others, that's fine, but at least let me know who you are. Initials work.
Time to pack. Or to go straight to sleep and to put off packing until the morning when I weill have to scramble and stuff. Tough choice...
I'll leave on a cheery note - how about Ab7?

Balance is key

You missed a really rancid blog entry. I composed it but it was definitely crossing the line into ranting. That was Saturday. Something about the ballet performance triggered major amounts of self-pity. Sunday I was fine. But Saturday I cried and cried and wrote down all the evil thoughts I had. Maybe I will publish it someday. Doesn't seem like a particularly good idea but I am tempted. after all, it is about 'mi, no matter how much blame and recrimination was laid out in it.
Today is also okie-dokie, artichokie. The dance year draws to a close and winter break is right around the corner. I'll visit the 'rents in No Cal and then plod through the holidays.
What do you have planned for New Years' Eve? Do you make resolutions or go to a party or drink champagne at home alone? Let me know. I'm thinking about champagne myself. Hopefully with friends. And a ukulele :-)

Sunday 9th

White cold stuff falling from sky.

35 days later

Life is good.
Fred the Van got put to good use hauling scenery for the Nutcracker. The skies above Anacortes are clear, the air is cold, the sun is warm through the window. I'm spending a lot of my thinking time mulling over maturity and relationships and the choice to live life. When I was depressed I felt like that choice was undermined, that I was cursed to exist but without hope for living. Now I feel like living out loud, fully, enegetically, taking risks, having fun, loving, playing, doing. Maybe not all at once ;-)
I enjoy the people I choose to spend time with. No more vampires (the ones that leave you feeling as if all the blood has been drained out of you) in my life. I like my friends; love some of them. And I tell them so.
I've been freed from so many triggers and traps of the past. The first time I felt R back away, early early in our relationship, I crumbled, sobbing, calling myself stupid, blaming myself for his withdrawal. Therapy helped. I can see it is what it is. Some of it is about me, but most of it isn't. I gave what I could, compromised where I thought it would help, made changes and adapted. It wasn't that I didn't do enough. And though tears came, they weren't tears of self recrimination and self hatred, but of sadness. Regular, normal, I miss my boyfriend, miss my friend, miss being loved, miss giving love, sadness. When those tears dry, they leave no stain. Instead I feel just and right and pure. That probably sounds really hokey or something but the change is so radical from feeling used and dirty and wrong. Too many years of those feelings. My metaphorical heart was scabby, scarred and stained. "There are no saints without a past, no sinners without a future." I'm certainly no saint, but I have a past. And that word is key here -past. Done. Over. Passed. There is a moment that counts and it is now. I've had a change of metaphorical heart.

The more things change...

Yesterday, Dec. 7, 1941 - a date which will live in infamy - the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan.

The United States was at peace with that nation and, at the solicitation of Japan, was still in conversation with the government and its emperor looking toward the maintenance of peace in the Pacific.

Indeed, one hour after Japanese air squadrons had commenced bombing in Oahu, the Japanese ambassador to the United States and his colleagues delivered to the Secretary of State a formal reply to a recent American message. While this reply stated that it seemed useless to continue the existing diplomatic negotiations, it contained no threat or hint of war or armed attack.

It will be recorded that the distance of Hawaii from Japan makes it obvious that the attack was deliberately planned many days or even weeks ago. During the intervening time, the Japanese government has deliberately sought to deceive the United States by false statements and expressions of hope for continued peace.

The attack yesterday on the Hawaiian islands has caused severe damage to American naval and military forces. Very many American lives have been lost. In addition, American ships have been reported torpedoed on the high seas between San Francisco and Honolulu.

Yesterday, the Japanese government also launched an attack against Malaya.

Last night, Japanese forces attacked Hong Kong.

Last night, Japanese forces attacked Guam.

Last night, Japanese forces attacked the Philippine Islands.

Last night, the Japanese attacked Wake Island.

This morning, the Japanese attacked Midway Island.

Japan has, therefore, undertaken a surprise offensive extending throughout the Pacific area. The facts of yesterday speak for themselves. The people of the United States have already formed their opinions and well understand the implications to the very life and safety of our nation.

As commander in chief of the Army and Navy, I have directed that all measures be taken for our defense.

Always will we remember the character of the onslaught against us.

No matter how long it may take us to overcome this premeditated invasion, the American people in their righteous might will win through to absolute victory.

I believe I interpret the will of the Congress and of the people when I assert that we will not only defend ourselves to the uttermost, but will make very certain that this form of treachery shall never endanger us again.

Hostilities exist. There is no blinking at the fact that that our people, our territory and our interests are in grave danger.

With confidence in our armed forces - with the unbounding determination of our people - we will gain the inevitable triumph - so help us God.

I ask that the Congress declare that since the unprovoked and dastardly attack by Japan on Sunday, Dec. 7, a state of war has existed between the United States and the Japanese empire.

Quick post

Sat at Cap Sante last night, gazing over Anacortes and composed a blog entry in my head. All that will make it to the blog this morning is this observation.
I still like him. I still love him. I am still in love with him. But I don't have to act on it. I respect his boundaries and I respect mine. This is new for me. The choice not to act on feelings - I have notoriously acted on my feelings in the past. Right now I am cherishing those feelings but learning that, like lottery fantasies, I can just think about them and let them go.
Progress.
Pat,pat,pat.

PS For those of you who keep track, I modified an earlier post. It's the one with Johnny Depp's photo.

You're gonna make me lonesome when you go

(Lyrics)
I've seen love go by my door
It's never been this close before
Never been so easy or so slow
Been shooting in the dark too long
When something's not right it's wrong
You're gonna make me lonesome when you go

Dragon clouds so high above
I've only known careless love,
It's always hit me from below.
This time around it's more correct
Right on target, so direct,
You're gonna make me lonesome when you go

Purple clover, Queen Anne lace,
Crimson hair across your face,
You could make me cry if you don't know.
Can't remember what I was thinkin' of
You might be spoilin' me too much, love,
You're gonna make me lonesome when you go

Flowers on the hillside, bloomin' crazy,
Crickets talkin' back and forth in rhyme,
Blue river runnin' slow and lazy,
I could stay with you forever
And never realize the time.

Situations have ended sad,
Relationships have all been bad.
Mine've been like Verlaine's and Rimbaud.
But there's no way I can compare
All those scenes to this affair,
You're gonna make me lonesome when you go

You're gonna make me wonder what I'm doing,
Staying far behind without you.
You're gonna make me wonder what I'm saying,
You're gonna make me give myself a good talking to.

I'll look for you in old Honolulu,
San Francisco and Ashtabula,
You're gonna have to leave me now, I know.
But I'll see you in the sky above,
In the tall grass, in the ones I love,
You're gonna make me lonesome when you go.

Vocab correction

"Hey...I don't think "R" ever told you he was "canoodling" with his stringed instrument! (He does possess great affection for it, however)"

In my last post I said I was "canoodling" with my uke and wanted to do that more often. Apparently I was NOT canoodling (although I'd like to do that more often too). See below from Meriam Webster's web page (special characters appear as blocks):

Main Entry: ca·noo·dle
Pronunciation: \kə-ˈnü-dəl\
Function: intransitive verb
Inflected Form(s): ca·noo·dled; ca·noo·dling \-ˈnü-dliŋ, -ˈnü-dəl-iŋ\
Etymology: perhaps from English dialect canoodle, noun, donkey, fool, foolish lover
Date: 1859
: pet, fondle

Just wanted to straighten that out.

Huh?!

Bill, ZIP and Chuey - three Christmases ago?
That last post was odd. I was going to delete it, but - whatever.
Back from California. Great drive - straight through with a few rest/gas stops and one Starbucks stop. California was crystal clear, Oregon had pouring rain, Washington - snow! The van is a comfortable ride, the heater works, and Barbara was the perfect road trip companion. Didn't have a chance to play the uke despite taking it down with me. I did practice for an hour the other night - what R calls canoodling (?). I want to do that more often. I also got a music theory workbook because Terry got me interested in getting more background on theory.